Bitter or Better?

I’ve decided to join the blog world again after a few months of being on a hiatus, or as some might suggest, a few months of soaking. The past few months have been the most difficult for me; I don’t think I can explain it all in words. Just to give you a brief update; I have been involved as a volunteer and as a staff member at the same church for about 13 years. Recently, I transitioned into a new role; after years of managing ministries from the cradle to the career within the same church. I’m sure you can relate to the hard work and dedication managing, so many ministries would require. Did I mention I served in a mega church with only one other full-time person within my ministry department? After year or so of feeling like I was in a cu-de-sac; I eventually transitioned into a new role. This year due to the recession and decisions my new position was eliminated. This was not the bad part because I knew a transition needed to happen, but how and when? There were many things I was unaware of when you are employed by a non-profit. Number one to my surprise issue ineligible for state unemployment or benefits. To make a long story short 2009 this has been a very interesting year for me.

One question I had to ask myself was, “Will I allow myself to get Bitter or Better”? I’m choosing BETTER! This is a process and I’m working through this decision. Every ministry has its Ups and Downs. If you continue living you will find yourself becoming a part of that experience, good or bad. There is no such thing, as a perfect church, especially if you and I are a part of it. Here are a few things that I’m doing to get over the downs in my life, and my journey to choose Better. My “Better” is knowing the Lord has a Perfect Plan for my life. Those things he has spoken about me before the foundations of the earth will happen. I choose to stay in his perfect will and seek his direction and wisdom, as I take next steps for my life. Lessons learned:

1. Make sure your church or Pastor has not become an idol in your life. If they have then place God back on the Throne. Seek HIS Divine purpose for your life.

2. Vent UP

3. Understand the position you hold does not define you! It is not your identity.

4. Seek God to have a clear direction on His calling on your life. I know I’m called to ministry within the local church for this season in my life. This understanding has guided me in hard decisions.

5. Seek guidance from trusted friends, ministry partners, and mentors outside of your church. You need to have people at your accountability table that only care about you; not your church, ministry, or your boss. Have people that can give you neutral and unbiased advice.

6. Don’t kill yourself trying to understand because you may never understand.

7. Surround yourself with friends and family

8. Take all the time you need to heal. That process looks different for everyone.

9. Embrace the wilderness experience. It’s lonely at times but it’s what the Lord is using to work out the kinks and build character in you.

10. Know that you are not forgotten by God during this season. It may feel like it at times, but know God remembers you.

1.

Isaiah 50:2 So why didn’t anyone come when I knocked? Why didn’t anyone answer when I called? Do you think I’ve forgotten how to help? Am I so decrepit that I can’t deliver? I’m as powerful as ever, and can reverse

Making Time for REALationships Part 2

Creating genuine relationships with those who work with you begins with having an authentic relationship with the Lord. It’s hard to care when your relationship is not authentic. REAL relationships take time and energy, it’s worth the investment. Leadership Development goes many ways; one of the most important attributes is the relational approach. People have to know you care about them. Many of mistakes we make results from our get the job done mentality. My experience has shown me if you give a little those you follow will give much. Sometimes it’s the phone call or the email that says, “just thinking about you, how are you doing? It’s the little things that make a tremendous difference. Jesus modeled this deep care and concern when he came to see Martha and Mary after the brother Lazarus passed. There are many faucets to the story but the fact remains, Jesus the son of God took time to go see close friends who lost a loved one. Jesus risked being stoned. Jesus arrived 2 days later but he came. Not to mention he washed His is disciple’s feet, what a servant’s heart! Jesus left the blueprint on relationships all we need to do is follow it.

I have a friend who lost a relative; her disappointment came not when she learned of her relative’s departure but when leadership never responded to her email. I’m not saying they intentionally disregarded her; sometimes during the haste we forget to care for those that are close and dear to us. Sometimes we tend to take close relationships for granted.

Leadership is hard work and building real relationships is a huge part of the task. What do you do when relationship building does not come natural for you? What do you do when your personality is more of the “get it done” type? What do you do when you barely have time to care for your family and to add others to the list is torture? I found in my leadership practices it is good to staff towards your weakness. If this is a weak area for you don’t feel bad. Find a volunteer or staff person who keeps you abreast of all the things going on within your team. Assign a person to send cards, emails, notes on your behalf just for care. I must admit, I’m the worst with birthdays but Facebook is helping in that area. My team administrator reminds me of birthdays of team members. Sometimes it’s the smallest touches that go the farthest. Make it a point to build REALationships this year. Start by getting to know those who serve with you intimately. This begins with building a true authentic relationship with our Father in Heaven.

Practical steps:

1. Heart check; examine your relationships with family, friends, volunteers, staff and co-workers.
2. Ask God to help you become genuine and to give you a greater heart for people
3. Strive to create ways to become a better leader who cares.
4. Send a getting to know you email with random questions and facts to your team.
5. Find ways to acknowledge and care for team members at each meeting.
6. Speak words of life to those you serve and lead.
7. Place people around you who have a gift for building relationships
8. Model the way Jesus cared for his disciples

Making time for REALationships Part1

As we launch into 2009, one the most important things I want to make sure that I do this year is to cultivate authentic relationships with those who serve with me. I'm a very relational person but this task becomes very difficult when you lead a larger group of people. I have had to be very creative to make sure people know that I don't care about them because of what they do. I care about people because of who they are. In the busyness of life, trying to balance family, work, ministry, and your personal life this can be a difficult task. It's easy as a leader to make this requirement for those you lead but are you implementing REALationships in your life. Volunteers and staff need to know you care about them. You must speak their language. I know many times last year; I missed it. It was too much for me. There is no way possible I can care for everyone on my team. In years past, I had a strategy of pouring into the leaders and having them pour into those who serve under them. This strategy didn’t work across the board this year. Jesus gives us the very example in how he poured into his disciples. Jesus poured into a few and they poured into the multitude.

My plan for this year is to have "One on Ones" with each ministry leader. In my one on ones; I like to get to know my leaders on a more personal level. I try to make the time with them, as informal as possible. The questions start by asking them, “How they are doing". People need to know you care about them and what goes on in their lives. This has awakened me to many things in the past and gave me a greater understanding of those who serve with me. I make it a point to ask them about their family, jobs and personal goals. Ministry is the last thing we talk about, if it even comes up. This has been a very important strategy in developing Leaders who care about others. Caring for leaders is what it is all about. I have a few questions for you? How do your leaders know you care? How do you wish you were cared for as leader?

Stay tuned for part two of Making time for REALationships

The Urban Suburban Crossover

Ever wonder why Sunday Morning in majority of church services across the globe are considered the most segregated time. It appears our youth groups are mirroring the same reflections of big church. In our society and especially the area we live in 98% of our students attend diverse schools, live in diverse neighborhoods, and participate in diverse athletics & clubs. A few years ago we noticed many of our students hung out in mixed groups within their schools. Although, our students hung out with a diverse groups; they never invited those friends to youth group. We had and are having to re-access the reasons why our youth groups looks the way it does. We are examining the words we use, the music we play and the jokes we tale. We discovered sometimes not realizing the jokes we used were only relatable to the community we were serving. We were not exposing our students to different genres of music, although many of them listen to different genres other than hip hop. I think it’s good to look at events and music that your students would relate to but it’s good to challenge them and expose them to other things.

If we had a glimpse of Heaven I think many of us would be surprised to see there is NO Black side, Asian side, Hispanic side or White side. For many of us this would be a dramatic change, at what times to you socialize with others outside your race? If we seldom crossover as Youth Ministers or Pastors; how do we expect our congregation or youth to crossover? To fix this mindset we have chosen to become a Bridge. We began to expose our students to different and diverse conferences, concerts, events and projects. We began to look for event and projects that would promote diversity. We have started collaborating with other youth groups and churches on projects. We have created a network of youth leaders that is diverse. In doing this it felt very comfortable to us, it’s who we are it’s not something we are trying to make ourselves become. If we let down our barriers we would discover we can learn a lot from others.

There have been several studies that show how our communities will change drastically over the next 50 years. Is the church being prepared for that change? If the church continues on without any regard to our changing world we may become ineffective and lost in a changing world. Check out these projected stats:

Nation’s Changing Makeup

Racial/ethic groups	2005	2050
Foreign born	12%	19%
White	67%	47%
Hispanic	14%	29%
Black	13%	13%
Asian	5%	9%
Note: *=Non-Hispanic American Indian/Alaska Native not included Source: Pew Research Center; Julie Snider, USA TODAY

Don’t get me wrong you are going to reach the blueprint you are called to reach but our communities, schools and neighborhoods are changing, our world is changing. If we the church are going to survive this change; we need to rethink the way we do church and our strategy will need to adjust. We may need a new blueprint the one we created 10 years ago may not be relevant anymore.

We have thousands of churches that are doing satellite venues within various areas of their cities and states. Having the same blueprint will not work for all venue communities and defiantly not for all youth groups. Our goal as youth leaders shouldn’t be to only reach the students in our youth groups. We must equip and send our students to reach others in their schools, neighborhoods and communities via friendship evangelism. That world does not look just like them. Students can do it, we’ve seen them go clear across the world on mission trips and reach hundreds and sometimes thousands. How are we preparing them for the challenge of reach their schools and neighborhoods?

It’s not changing who you are but it’s about reaching those God has placed in your community for you to reach. Sometimes that require a change in strategy!

Dealing with Conflict in the Church

I’m such the harmonizer that my personality does not lend to deal with conflict, anger, bitterness, resentment or really anything negative. I love to live in Peace. You may be asking yourself, “What planet is she from”. You’re right! if I live on earth with others there is no guarantee every situation will present itself as a peaceful one. In the past, I would do anything possible to avoid conflict. I use to view conflict as something negative yet, becoming a leader has pushed me beyond my natural tendencies.. Don’t be fooled conflict will not take care of itself if it’s not dealt with. It becomes a sleeping dragon that could potentially set fire at any moment. Although, conflict can be very uncomfortable it does not have to be viewed as negative. Conflict can be quite healthy. When you mention the word “Conflict” in many setting it’s like saying a bad word. You may be considered a poor manager if you have it on your team, this to is a myth. Conflict does not have to always be terrible. Conflict can be a positive maturing process for the believer. Many times the way we address and handle conflict is the negative part. We live in a fallen sinful world and there is no way things will always be perfect. We will tend disagree or view things from a different perspective than others. Humans are a unique and individualist species. It is difficult at times to maintain positive relationships with others.

We see and hear issues everyday on the news where someone has dealt with conflict inappropriately. As Christians we will have times of conflict; sometimes with a neighbor who seems unbearable, sometimes with an employer, customer, or government official, sometimes with a relative, or even a fellow Christian. The answer to handling these types of problems is not revenge, hostility, denial, or avoidance of the problem. The Bible tells us, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” (Rom 12:18; Heb 12:14). So as God’s people our goal should be to build and preserve our relationships. I have learned this lesson the hard way at times trying to ignore Conflict. This is wrong and dishonest it only makes the issue worse it does not benefit anyone involved. Conflict has to be addressed and not allowed to fester it could create a potential cancer.

I recently had to ask myself some hard questions and then take my situation to my leader. This was uncomfortable, but I needed to be open and honest to deal with the situations that involved my life. I found myself drifting and I needed to address the core issues. Although the situation issue is still in progress, I have peace because I have been open and honest with those I needed to address. Before I approached my leader there were a few things I had to do to make sure I had the spirit of love and not come to them as the accuser of the brethren! I’ve seen many relationships destroyed because of the way conflict was handled. We must remember we cannot handle conflict like it’s handled in the world. Our thinking must be kingdom minded, and preserving the relationship must be the main focus. When preserving the relationship is not the focus, it opens the door for the situation to become ugly and hurtful.

• We must commit to speaking the truth the bible tells us in Ephesians 4:25 to lay aside falsehood and speak the truth to our neighbor.
• Commit to maintaining a Christ-like attitude one of meekness and gentleness. Meekness is strength under control. When emotions are high it is easy to lose control. In your efforts to be bold like the world teaches us, we may become rude. Meekness does not mean being timid but it is one of controlled strength.

• Don’t seek to be right or justified. Make sure you listen to others as they listen to you. Try to see both sides of the situation but actively listen; don’t listen to try and prove your point.

• Stand on God’s truth. Truth can captivate our thought process. Truth can demolish arguments and pretensions. Truth reveals sin!

• Remember to look below the surface. The person’s motives may be pure but due to lack of miscommunication, they may be misunderstood.

• Always seek a resolution that glorifies God and His purposes, not you.

• Seek to resolve the conflict by finding resolution for all involved. Sometimes resolution may be a compromise, but if our intentions are not to be right. We have a better chance of resolution if we take the concerns to heart and consider how they affect those around us.

Remember, unbelievers are unattractive to believers when we handle situations like the world. Infighting, divisions and interpersonal conflicts have been the cause of many church splits than any other factor. If we are divided and focused on ourselves, then we are not unified to deal with Satan. Conflict breeds room for the enemy to create havoc if it is not dealt with properly.

Take an inventory of yourself. What are you doing to resolve the conflict? Are you taking ownership of any part, or just blaming others? Are you listening? Is there a deeper root to what has caused the conflict (projection)? Are you under stress? What do you have to gain or lose in this confrontation? Are you seeking to resolve or just be right?

Conflict and anger have the potential to be destructive forces or powerful impetus for renewal, change, and transformation. They are not bad if they are bathed in meekness, gentleness, and humility. I’m no longer afraid of conflict; I love confronting it because I see it as an opportunity to destroy the enemy’s strategic plans!

I challenge you to confront conflict as you embrace Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for the building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen”.

Eating Disorders and Cutting does not Discriminate!

Eating Disorders and Self-Mutilation, growing in numbers within African-American Youth Groups


Over eight million people in the United States suffer from an eating disorder such as anorexia nervosa. Self-Mutilation is becoming common and, through the exposure it is getting, is also becoming a trend amongst youth. Although there are not many reports on the demographics of those who suffer from these disorders, we have always deemed them to affect the middle to upper-middle class white community. Well, I want to lift the blinders; eating disorders are touching the black community and our youth groups. As I sit here thinking about what I would like to contribute as my first blog. My mind is racing there is so much to address. As I come to an end of my confusion, I get a call from a concerned parent about her child. To the parent’s surprise, the child has told a friend that she has been cutting. Wow! This is becoming a familiar conversation not just on TV or in the schools but in our youth group here at Destiny.

I remember just a few years ago attending conferences and seminars and hearing about the tragic effects of eating disorders and cutting. I began seeing episodes on TV that addressed the condition and brought awareness to the situations. I remember all the media attention that these issues began to garner. Never once did I see a black person affected or portrayed in all the discussion. When I went to seminars, I would turn somewhat of a deaf ear thinking that the information did not apply to the children in my youth group. I had enough experiences that I should have known many of the issues we see today are not limited to one culture. With the influence of media and peer pressure, I knew it was only a matter of time before these disorders surfaced in the black community. We have a saying in my community that just one sniff of the southern cooking would convince anyone to eat. In fact, lots of us may jokingly blame our losing many diet battles on good ol’ southern cooking. But, these disorders have proven oblivious even to the food comforts of southern living.

As I sat thru those seminars, I was naïve to think that black girls don’t experience the same pressures to look a certain way or deal with the same self-esteem issues. Needless to say, many may deal with them even more in the black community! I realized that societal trends and issues don’t have a face. Any issues you can name in the white, Hispanic, Asian or black communities can be found in them all. The enemy’s desire to destroy is not limited to race, culture or gender!

My theory as a youth minister has been disproven. Societal issues and trends have no color barriers. Our students - whether Caucasian, African-American, Spanish, Asian, etc. - attend the same schools, listen to the same music and watch the same TV shows. They face the same crises that are so prevalent in our society today. The question we ask ourselves is “How do we address it?” How do we love on every student we see each Sunday? How do we let each student know that they are valued and that they are fearfully and wonderfully made? How do we do this when the society we live in tells them a different story? When the society we live in tells them that they are sex objects, property. How do we do this when young girls and people of particular races are demeaned in song lyrics or by overzealous radio hosts! As our society continues to grow in its defaming ridicule towards women, families, schools and cultures, the churches must unite and take a stand to encourage our youth and families. We must commit as churches to create programs, events and strategies to build healthy and strong families. We have a saying within our children’s and youth programs: There is no ministry without family ministry! Our children must understand and embrace Psalm 139. They must understand they are sons and daughters of the King. Godly esteem must be built in our children from infancy as they grow.

As I began to do some research on Eating Disorders and Self-Mutilation in the African American Community, I discovered some compelling facts. Binge eating is more common in Black women than White women, and black women were as likely as White women to report binge eating or vomiting. Black women were also more likely to report fasting and the abuse of laxatives or diuretics. Middle-class African-American adolescents unfortunately tended to demonstrate eating disorders and cutting more than other African-American adolescents. The actual facts are still unclear. I can only compare the data I found to the rise in cases in my youth group, and I’m sure other African-American youth groups are experiencing the same patterns. Please hear me, it’s not about race. I just want to bring some clarity to the African-American community that these taboo issues exist and are real in every community.

So, as this issue spreads through our youth groups, what can we do as youth pastors, Pastors, youth ministers, youth leaders, teachers, friends, sisters and as parents?

Depend on God for wisdom, direction and instruction.
W e must realize the issue itself is not food or self-mutilation. These are just symptoms of a greater issue. The issue normally stems from pain, major life trauma, family issues, low-self esteem, or loneliness.
We must learn more about the condition so that we recognize the symptoms or possible students who could be susceptible to the disease.
Listen to the student who may suffer from Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia or cutting.
Support the student with love and understanding, focusing on affirming their sense of value and self-worth.
Give Direction to the student.
Depend on God.
Prompt the student to admit the condition.
Involve the parents.
Refer the family to a professional.

Scriptures that will guide: Genesis 1:27, Psalm 139:13-14, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, 1 Peter 2:9, Romans 12:1, Philippians 4:8-9

For more information on Anorexia Nervosa, read “The Thin Disguise” by Pam Vredevelt, Deborah Newman, Harry Beverly, and Frank Minirth Also, Josh McDowell & Bob Hostetler’s Handbook on Counseling Youth is a great resource to have in your library.